Trusting Yourself Above All Else Can Save Your Life

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like something was off but everyone around you was giving you feedback that made you doubt yourself?

An example of this would be if you're in a toxic relationship and you try to have an open conversation with your partner about how you feel or problems you're observing, and they somehow convince you that it's all in your head or that you are the problem. Eventually you may come to understand that your partner was manipulating you the whole time and your gut was trying to warn you.

Another example could be in a family setting where you feel like something's off, but everyone is so accepting of whatever is going on, so you doubt yourself. Then later it may come out that the uncle who gave you the creeps turned out to be a pedophile, or the cousin who was acting funny turned out to be a meth addict. People knew, and yet when you tried to voice your concern you were shut down.

Unfortunately, we take cues from other people to determine what to believe and what actions to take. The most unfortunate example of this was when patrons sat in a restaurant as it burned to the ground because they were waiting to pay their bill. Since no one got up and said “we gotta get out of here guys,” people followed each others queue and influenced each other to stay in place until they all burned to death.

This phenomenon has been formally studied. Experiments such as one where unsuspecting volunteers entered a room of actors. The volunteers were not aware that everyone else was told to pretend that nothing was wrong as smoke entered through the cracks in the doors and began filling the room as if the building was on fire. The volunteers took ques from the actors and, despite knowing that they should leave, remained in their seats silently.

Another example of this was a similar experiment where the actors were told to choose the wrong option when being asked to choose the longest line in a selection of three. The volunteers, despite seeing the obvious correct answer, repeated the same wrong answer as the actors. In other words, their judgement said option-A is correct, but they did what everyone else did despite knowing it was wrong, because the ques they got from other people caused them to doubt themselves.

When I was in a relationship with a vulnerable narcissist covertly abusing me, my whole body was telling me that this was not right. I was not happy. I did not feel safe. I did not feel loved. I knew that he was wrong for me. Despite all this, I stayed far longer than I needed to. I remember that despite knowing he was wrong for me, I kept looking for feedback from the outside world to validate what I already knew before I would make a decision in alignment with how I felt. I asked my friends who didn't know any better than I did, as they were also in toxic relationships. I asked a therapist who was likely toxic herself as she rolled her eyes at me when I talked about my progress. In the end I finally had to trust myself and make the decision that freed me.

I grew up in a family who try to destroy me on all levels. Since I was surrounded by them, I looked to them, the people who were trying to destroy me, for feedback and ques to determine whether or not what I was experiencing was OK. Of course the feedback I got was that the abuse was OK and that my resistance was the problem. The feedback I got was that my standards were the problem, my boundaries were the problem, and my progress in life was the problem. I could've been stuck in my family cult for the rest of my life, being destroyed until I likely died an early death either due to illness caused by the stress or by suicide. Thankfully, I learned to let go of the need for anyone else in the entire world to agree with me, and that is what saved me.

Don't sit in the burning restaurant waiting for someone to give you permission to leave. Don't stay in situations that make you uncomfortable and depleted because you’re being made to believe everything is fine. Don’t wait for permission to put yourself first. Don't wait for anyone else in the world to tell you what you already know, because sometimes everyone around you will lie.

Sometimes, baby, you’re in a cult and everyone around you is drinking the cool-aid. Put the cup down and save yourself.